Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The Wedding Sermon

Brother 2 married a wonderful, beautiful woman on Friday. If they have children, those kids will be models for fashion magazines before they are out of the hospital.

The ceremony was conducted by an ancient gnome ("Mmmm... When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not...!") who was definitely not in the top 5 10 15 people they had researched. Brother 2 said that it was difficult to find a minister when you didn't attend a church, and my dad, who sometimes does attend church, described several of the previous choices for officiant to be "Satanists" in the same tone that he might use to tell me that they were "Liberals."

Brother 2 and Sister-In-LAw 2 (SILA2) had argued with the minister before the shindig about the length of the ceremony. A tux is definitely not Brother 2's color, and his tolerance for pomp and circumstance is generally limited to asking politely for someone to pass the bottle opener. Somehow, Brother 2 embodies the sometimes oppositional concepts of "no-nonsense" and "laid-back." If you were to talk to him, you would think immediately of Butt-head from the late, lamented teevee box program, Beavis and Butt-head. Brother 2 and SILA2 told the minister that they wanted the ceremony to come in under 25 minutes. The minister wanted to do some preachifyin'. At last, they reached the reasonable conclusion that since Brother 2 and SILA2 were writing the check, and since they could hardly be excommunicated from the Jedi Order, they should get the final word on the content of the blah-blah-blah.

As a kind of passive-aggressive response, Yoda skimped on the instruction during the rehearsal, and we got the Executive Bullet-Point Summary of who should be where and in what order the events would happen, although not everything was presented in chronological order. The end result was that we managed to muddle through the "who goes where when" steps until the sermon. Oh my, the sermon.

Every wedding I've ever attended has had a similar theme to the pontification. The points can be summarized thusly.

  • You weren't married a few minutes ago.
  • You are now.
  • This is a Big Deal.
  • Don't screw it up.
Yoda started down this path pretty early in the sermon. When he got to the point where he would normally read from 1st Corinthians, he veered off the path a little and started talking about fashion choices. "The wardrobe you wore before you were married is different from the one you wear after you are married." OK, this is different. Where is he going with this?

"Before you were married, you could wear any old sloppy clothes, because you were only dressing for yourself. Now that you are married, you have to be aware of what you're wearing. The foundation of any good marriage starts close to your heart." OK, I'm getting it. He's going all metaphorical. I have a degree in English, so I totally grok that.

"You start with the undergarments of compassion." WHAT?

"These will keep your hearts warm to each other. Then you put on the socks of togetherness." OK, first of all, socks of togetherness would make it incredibly difficult to walk. Second, WHAT?

"You next put on the shirt of trust." At this point, it would be good to set the scene. Brother 2 was standing in front of his bride, staring adoringly into her eyes. "Best" Man (BM) was next, then me, then Brother 1, then Brother 3, and finally Bride's Underage Brother (BUB). BUB's story starts after the ceremony.

The "shirt of trust" remark started my shoulders shaking. Just when I calmed down and stopped, Brother 1 made a small snorting sound right behind me. I started shaking again.

"Next are the pants of understanding." I started to bite my lip, hard, and began to scratch my palm with a sharp fingernail. Laughing right now would mean the wrath of the bride. I've already thought of a remark I could have used at the previous wedding I was in, had I screwed up, but it wouldn't have applied in the current circumstance.
Bride: You RUINED my wedding!
GDad: Technically, I only ruined the reception.
The pants of understanding caused Brother 3 to make a small snort. That set off Brother 1, which set me off again. My stupid fingernails weren't sharp enough to make my palm bleed, and I'm too much of a wimp to actually bite through my lip.

Scarf of belonging, shoes of warmth, gloves of mirth, hat of reliability, +4 greaves of ogre strength, whatever. Brother 2 seemed to be oblivious to this hilarity, until The Word.

"Once you have on your wardrobe, you have to remember to do your duty to each other." Brother 2 snorted when the minister said, "Duty." Heh heh. He said, "Duty."

Finally, the sermon was over, and Brother 2 and SILA2 were able to kiss, and everyone up on the stage was able to breathe a sigh of relief.


Hoji said...

Heh. Classic.

Angry Professor said...

Oh, oh, I have a good one! Remember those painful days in the 80s when the bride and groom just HAD to write their own vows? I went to one where the groom contemplated the wonder that was the bride's sexual adventurousness! I grabbed the upper thigh of some guy sitting next to me in the pew to keep from roaring... Not sure who he was...

But you could carry on like this forever. The pantyhose of parenthood, the brassiere of friendship, the truss of growing old, the stocking cap of swallowed retorts, the wingtips of desire, the biking shorts of shared experience... You're lucky the sermon was as short as it was.

GDad said...

Sister-in-Law 1's younger sister put the idea to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

On their Twelfth Anniversary SILA2 gave to Brother 2,
Knickers of Understanding,
A Slip of Benevolence,
A Garter Belt of Friendship,
A Thong of Togetherness,
Underpants of Sympathy,
Socks of Kindness,
Pantyhose of Goodwill,
Panties of Patience,
A Bra of Dependability,
A Tube Top of Trust,
Boxers of Honesty,
and a Speedo of Sincerity.

Mandy said...

Heehee, that makes me feel sooooo much better about my choice of wedding ceremonies and officiants. =)