Saturday, November 10, 2007

Open Letter to Unsolicited E-mail Senders

Dear Not-Quite-Human Scum,

Thank you for thinking of me with your relentless assault of unsolicited, unwanted, and unread dreck you have poured into my e-mail inboxes. Many Some Few No people feel wanted because of the number of incoming messages in their e-mail inbox.

I do not have any need for a Rolex watch, real or fake, nor a R0lex, nor R|0|L|3|X watch. I have a nice Seiko watch I got as a gift last year, and it will serve me well until entropy consumes it someday.

I am quite satisfied with my personal attributes "down there," so I do not have any need at this time for V1@grA, C1@L1$, or L|3|V|1|T|R|4. If at some future date, I require assistance, I am quite comfortable speaking to my D|0|C|+|0|R about this issue.

In order to respond to any offer of low-cost vacations to the exotic spots you mention, I think I would first have to prepare myself by hitting myself in the temple with a hammer, hard, claw end first. I've stayed in cruddy hotels before, and the thought of giving my money sight unseen to anyone in exchange for some hypothetical vacation experience is pretty repugnant.

Finally, I do not require any introductions to people for romantic liaisons. I'm sure the people you would like to add to my social calendar are quite nice, but I'd prefer to travel in social circles of my own choosing.

So, I no longer require your services, and I respectfully request that you stop sending these missives to me. I hope you understand that if I do continue to receive them, I will be forced to find you and kick you repeatedly between the legs until you are bifurcated from the neck down.


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