Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
Thursday, December 31, 2009
I was walking through the hallway at work the other day when I felt a small, sharp, pinching pain in my right buttock. I looked around to see what had caused it, and I didn't see a thing. I started to laugh as I realized that my detractors could be right - I wouldn't know it if it bit me in the @$$.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Be sure to read these tips. If you forward to at least 300 of your closest friends, something will happen.
- Be sure to wash your hands. A lot. For at least forty minutes every hour. With abrasive cleanser.
- The flu virus is vulnerable to certain percussive sound waves. Learn to beatbox loudly. NOW!
- "Filthy lucre" is right. A recent Mythbusters episode scientifically *proved* the FACT that money is filthier than raw sewage, with respect to germs. You can reduce your exposure to the flu virus by coating all of your money in extra-virgin olive oil (including coins) and putting it in the oven on the "broil" setting for no less than 35 minutes.
- Those travel steam irons are good for more than taking the wrinkles out of your permanent-press Sansabelt pants. You can steam away germs from surfaces at restaurants and grocery stores by applying steam for 45 seconds to hard surfaces. Know your rights. Restaurants and grocery stores are LEGALLY OBLIGATED to provide you with power outlets for these devices. Ask to Speak to a Manager if you are refused this service.
- Forget megadosing yourself with vitamin C. What you need is to GIGAdose yourself. You should consume at least twice your body weight in raw vitamin C each day in order to fully protect yourself from the H1N1 virus.
- Along similar lines, be sure your food is properly prepared, because proper nutrition is the best defense against the flu (or maybe rickets). Any food that is deep-fried in oil for more than five minutes should be safe to eat. French fries and onion rings are unlikely to carry the flu virus.
- Finally, make sure you fill out your vaccination profile when you get that message from the CDC. The paper trail they create when you get your vaccination is in NO WAY sufficient to satisfy the government regulators at the DOL and the TSA. Act now.
These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA and are not intended for the prevention or treatment of any disease, real or fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. No animals were harmed in the writing of this post. Your actual mileage may vary. Some assembly required.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
For motivation, I added a little gadget to the sidebar.
I'm a lot heavier than I need to be. Sedentary job, sedentary hobbies, bit of a gourmand....
I turn 40 at the end of August. My new slogan is Forty by Forty. I have until my fortieth birthday, about 35 weeks from now, to lose 40 pounds, or about 3 stone(s?).
The chart in the sidebar will mark my progress. The blue line is the target, and the red line will be my actual measurements. Each week, I'll update the Google Docs spreadsheet, and we'll see how the actual matches the target. I'm not a healthologist, so I don't know if a linear weight loss is a reasonable assumption, but we'll see how it works out.
If you see me through an RSS feed, here's the chart in this post. As I update, this chart should update automagically as well.
There's a medication for acid reflux that advertises on teevee. GPop, Brother 3, and I were multislacking the other night when we all laughed at the name AcipHex. When pronounced out loud, it sounds like Ass Effects. I suppose Ass Effects could conceivably help with acid reflux, if the effects were special enough.
Monday, December 28, 2009
When I was a kid, older folks would refer to Brother 1 and me as "Mutt and Jeff." I always smiled as though I were in on the joke, but I never understood the reference or bothered to ask. As it turns out, Mutt and Jeff were comic strip characters whose attributes included being different in height - Mutt was tall, and Jeff was short. I suppose it makes sense, although I don't think Brother 1 and I had the affiliation with horseracing and get-rich-quick schemes that I read about in the Wikipedia article.
I suppose that people remember things that were relevant to them in the appropriate phases in their lives, but as they move away from those phases, and other people enter them, the older folks don't even realize that the things they knew aren't current, and that the younger people may not have heard of or even care about those memories. This is why I had to explain Knight Rider to Mandy.
As it turns out, when I was Googling random words, I found that Weebles are obsolete. Who knew? They were great toys, because they were practically indestructible, and they had good heft when you would wing them at your brother. I'll have to see if Son has ever heard of them. "Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down." What a great demonstration of tenacity in the pursuit of one's goals.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thoughts in no particular order...
- Back to work tomorrow. I've got a boatload of stuff to do.
- I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas.
- Frankenputer just refused to boot. It's not much of a printer server if it doesn't boot.
- We're going to see a local winter lights display tonight. Enthusiasm for this event is tied to #1.
- Son has been gone for a week. He's back tomorrow.
- I think my change of attitude will require a change of latitude. How much money does one need to live out the rest of one's life as a slacker? If I had a crystal ball...
- I have a bunch of paperwork to do today, too.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Here's our Christmas card for the year. I ninjafied our faces to obscure our identities.
Oh, I drew everything myself, except for the pieces of photographs and the lettering. Someone should call that guy who promotes his art school on late night commercials.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Mega Corporation One gives mentors tokens of their appreciation throughout the year. A recent token was one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I can only deal with those books in small doses, since more than 10 pages tends to overwhelm my Avandamet. I made this book cover for a book I have not written.
Friday, December 18, 2009
In the recent mash-up of two departments in our area, we ended up with teams spread across two buildings. My cube-neighbor, whom we shall call Dom, is a very quiet gentleman whose desk is so clean that it looks unoccupied except when he is actually sitting there. He's also generally good humored, and he will chat for a minute or two on occasion, but he never monopolizes anyone's time. Unfortunately, his new role has him in the other building most of the time, so he moved his stuff (easy task for him) and vacated the cube next to me.
Because of the movement back and forth between the two buildings, people from one building often have to find a place to sit in the other building. When you have a perfect neighbor, it's hard to go anywhere but down, so I was a little put out that there was suddenly the equivalent of an overgrown vacant lot next to me that would attract corporate vagrants and hoodlums. (Get off my lawn!)
One day, I decided to take a page from the script of an old favorite show and create a fictional person to take over the cube. My reasoning was if it looked like someone was sitting there, the peripatetic departmentals would find another place to sit. I typed up a nameplate in a similar font as the one at my desk and chose the name Oscar Goldman. As a backup plan, I also typed up a nameplate for Jonathan Tuttle.
When coworkers J and C asked me if I had seen this new Oscar fellow, I let them in on the joke. Both J and C sit close to Dom's cube, so they appreciated that we were taking it over. C even put a coffee cup and a picture of Bigfoot to make the cube look lived-in. The Bigfoot picture was also designed to attract the attention of Bigfoot Lady.
The next day, when I was out shopping for some groceries, I saw foam letters in the crafts aisle. I bought an O and a G to put up in the cube. Oscar's presence was becoming more and more real for people.
The next day, we were asked to sign up for a potluck. Oscar's name appeared on the list. At this point, our department admin assistant got a little panicky, because she had just been asked to do a comparison of department headcount with department deskcount. She was alarmed that she could not find Oscar's HR record anywhere. We had to let her in on the joke.
The hilarious part is that Dom came back that day to do some work in this building, saw Oscar's stuff, and thought that his old cube had been reassigned. He sat somewhere else.
Several times a year, Mega Corporation One brings in arts and crafts shows to take over the cafeteria and lobby and allow employees to shop for upcoming holidays or events (Christmas, graduation/Fathers Day, etc.). One such vendor has been in the buildings a couple of times that I've seen. The vendor sells all sorts of miscellanea. Most notable are these wispy pieces of cloth that most people would call "scarves," but which the vendor has labeled, "scraves." I suspect a typographical error; however, the sign has been this way for at least two years.
Thanks to C. for the picture.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Some years ago, Brother 1 was in the habit of sending me glurge with a snarky comment at the end. One of his missives was the entire Keep Your Fork message (the second half of the article), but it was edited to include an additional few paragraphs describing the uprising of the congregation as ravenous cannibals. Essentially, he predated Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by several years. Too bad he didn't publish.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
On my way to work this morning, I was sort of half-listening to the radio while navigating traffic. The focus of today's set of reports was the climate conference in Copenhagen. The report that started as I approached the freeway on-ramp was about schoolchildren in England who are trying to make a difference by acting in an environmentally-friendly manner.
Then I started wondering why the pickup truck in front of me was going 25 mph on the on-ramp. DRIVE FASTER!
The radio reporter introduced a young person who had some words to say about what she and her classmates were doing. "And Jessie Southington-Frumpus, of Westmoreland-by-the-Lake, has organized her classmates to blah blah blah. Let's hear from her..."
DRIVE FASTER! COME ON - 23 MPH? YOU HAVE A FREAKIN' V8 DUALIE, AND THE ROADS ARE CLEAR!
"...blah blee blo carbon dating of Ents." [second of dead air]
Did she just say "carbon dating of Ents?" Treebeard is dead?
The radio reporter came back on. "Did she just say, 'carbon dating of Ents?'"
The girl's voice started back up. "For example, instead of driving to a movie, why not take a walk in the park? Instead of going to a restaurant, why not have a quiet dinner at home?"
Oh, low-carbon dating events. That makes way more sense. Then I adjusted my rear-view mirror, because the truck also had its brights on.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
The other night, I woke up out of dreams a couple of times. Here are some thoughts that were in my head when I woke up. Unfortunately, I have no context for these phrases. Armchair psychologists, on your mark, set, GO!
"Ours will take longer, because it's in Elvish script."
"...and four cat pies with ice."
p.s. Yes, I know that Elvish script is called Tengwar, but I was probably trying to explain it to the uninitiated in my dream.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
We just attended a fabulous party at M&M's. As we were putting on our coats to leave around 10:30, I told M that on a similar Saturday night 20 years ago at about the same time, I would have just been putting on my coat to go OUT, not to go HOME.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
There's a concert touring the country right now. A live orchestra is traveling with Anthony Daniels to play music and video from the Star Wars movies. We went a while back. It was a blast.
As we left, I looked at GPop and said, "No, nobody in there was creepy at all!"
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I had a dream last night where most of my coworkers were at some event at a mall. This guy and I were conspiring to keep the details of a murder from the rest of our coworkers. Neither of us had committed it, but we were bound to secrecy for some reason.
I think it has something to do with a murder mystery dinner thing we're sort-of planning for New Year's Eve.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
This Friday's photo comes from long-time reader and friend, C. Included are the words she sent with the picture.
What does this mean? Are you going to automatically throw up in you mouth? Compliments of Tidy Suburb BP station.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The text below is from an instant message session. In case you've forgotten, I sit on the seventh floor.
GDad: So you're at this building now?
M: I'm on the 2nd floor F1.
GDad: That's close enough. They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I need floors 3 through 6.
M: lol. Of course you do.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
There was a commercial earlier this year for that doohickey that lets you put TP on the end of it and wipe yourself from farther away. The commercial featured a guy who stated something like, "Being a big guy has its advantages..." The commercial never states what those are, but from personal experience, I'd have to guess that looking natural in Hawaiian shirts is close to the top of the list.
Following the logic of the guy's statement leads me to the conclusion that being a tiny woman has its disadvantages. I saw one of those disadvantages displayed today.
As you may recall, cinnamon crunch bagels cause angst in our cafeteria. There was a very petite woman in the cafeteria this morning, whom we shall call Brandy. Brandy pulled one out of the rack and tried to squish it so that it would fit in the toaster. She put it between two small plates on the counter and pressed down as hard as she could. Her feet LEFT THE GROUND, and the bagel still didn't compress as much as she needed.
I am going to guess that Brandy will not be getting a wiper stick for the holidays.