Thursday, January 27, 2011

Corporate Letter from Brother 1

Brother 1 forwarded me this letter that he sent to the Wrigley company.

It is important to me to separate Lifesavers Gummies Sours by color so that I can fully experience the variety of delicious flavors. I have little problem with this when eating normal Lifesavers Gummies, as, barring exposure to temperature extremes, the oily coating keeps them from adhering to one another. However, in each package of Lifesaver Gummies Sours, I find that several tori, nearly always of different colors, are stuck together. This is not merely some weak adhesion that might allow me to separate the candies by pulling them in opposing directions, but a profound fusion requiring either some delicate operations with a very sharp knife or the simultaneous consumption of the fused candies.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy Lifesavers Gummies Sours tremendously. I estimate that only about 10% of the candies in each package undergo this regrettable union, and my enjoyment of the conjoined sweets is only reduced by approximately half. So my enjoyment of each pack of Lifesavers Gummies Sours is reduced by only about 5%. That means, however, that I am only able to achieve around 95% of the potential enjoyment in each package of Lifesavers Gummies Sours. One might argue that it is impossible to eliminate the loss of 10% of the package to this fusion process and that I should measure my enjoyment as a percentage of the remaining 90% of the candies, adding the 50% enjoyment of the remaining 10% of the candies on top of that as a bonus. I would offer the counterargument that by including the comingled candies in each package (or, assuming that they comingle during shipping or storage, by including the POTENTIAL for comingling), you are further reducing my enjoyment of them by promoting some immeasurable amount of frustration with my inability to separate them. As I say, though, this frustration is not measureable and should therefore be ruled out of our estimates.

In any case I believe that Lifesavers Gummies Sours might be improved by the prevention of the aforementioned process of fusion, leading to (barring any other unforeseen side effects of such changes) 100% enjoyment of each package.


Sincerely,
Brother 1 Lastname

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

What's up with the "Weirdness" tag?!?

-brother 1

GDad said...

I calls em as I sees em.

M&M said...

I "see" the family resemblence...Geez! LOL