Rapid Intracranial Ambulation

So the thought that just ran through my head is, "As long as I look good when HLN broadcasts my trial..."

Coffee Chaos

The Coffee Hen arrives on the later end of the Acceptable Window for Flexible Corporate Schedules.  I arrive very early in the morning, so I usually have a pot of coffee ready to be poured by 6:45, and my last cup around 8:00.  The coffee maker has a timer or something that shuts it off after so much time so that it doesn't burn out or burn the coffee or something.  Generally, this means that my last cup is within the "on" part of the cycle, and Coffee Hen's first cup is in the "off" part of the cycle.

She instructed me today that I needed to shut off and turn back on the coffee maker before she gets in so that her cup of coffee is hot.  Keep in mind that I have purchased the last four cans of coffee and the last two boxes of filters, and that I make the first pot of coffee almost every morning and clean out the pot, because the afternoon drinkers do not.

Arrgghh!

Errata

In this post, I erroneously said that Representative Louie Gohmert was from Oklahoma.  Sorry to Oklahomans home and abroad.  He is from Texas.

Spooky

Son had his graduation party with best friend Daniel on Saturday.  Daniel's 11-year-old sister approached me.

Sister:  I know what the theme will be for MY graduation party.

GDad:  Really?  What will it be?

Sister:  Zebras.  Zebras that sparkle.

GDad:  How about unicorns?

Sister:  Ugh.  I HATE unicorns.

GDad:  Well, you could take a unicorn, saw off its horn, and paint black stripes on it.

Sister:  [eyes wide open, and in a very creepy voice]  YEESSSSSSS.

But Six Rings...

And I rise
Wipe the sleep out of my eyes
The shaving razor's cold and it stings

Customer Service

"I'm sorry.  I can't help you.  I've taken a vow of 'shut the hell up.'"

Bilbo Got it Right

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

Still

She is STILL TALKING!

ALL CAPS

I am in a waiting room, and there is a woman on the other side of the room who is having a cell phone conversation with someone who can probably hear her without the phone.

Greek to Them

I was at a Subway restaurant the other day.  One of the sandwich artists was making my sandwich up until the cheese part.  She gave it to the next artist, who put it in the oven at my request.   The oven dinged, and Artist 2 put the sandwich back on the preparation tray.

"The sandwich isn't toasted," said I.

Artist 2 stared at the creation, pondering this seeming ontological impossibility.

"You need to press and hold the button," said Artist 1.  "Sheesh, I tell people this all the time, and they never believe me."

"We should just call you Cassandra," I quipped.

"Why?  Do you know her?" she asked, pointing at Artist 2, whose nametag read "Cassie."

"Oh never mind. Before you were born."